Sibling Rivalry
Robert Needlman
I. Description of the problem. The life-altering impact of sibling rivalry has been recognized since biblical times. At the extreme, sibling relationships are marked by high levels of verbal aggression and physical violence (sibling abuse). Negative sibling relationships predict internalizing disorders (e.g., depression) in adolescence, independent of the parent-child relationship. Conversely, cooperative play, negotiation, and friendly competition between siblings enhance social skills; positive sibling support decreases acting-out behaviors, and affection between siblings blunts the deleterious effects of stress. Parents care deeply about their children getting along. Sibling relationships are often the most enduring relationship, and filial solidarity often provides lifelong social support.
A. Epidemiology.
80% to 90% of people have siblings. In childhood, sibs spend on average 13% of their waking time together, often more time than with anyone other than with their parents.
Following the birth of a sibling, some degree of upset and behavioral regression (e.g., bed-wetting) is almost universal. One third of children also show developmental gains after a sibling’s birth, such as increased self-care and language sophistication.
Among younger siblings, negative interactions occur on average eight times per hour, including struggles over toys, hitting or pushing, teasing, name-calling, and verbal threats. The rate decreases with age.
Violent acts occur in 49%-68% of sibling pairs, with boy-girl pairs having the most, and girl-girl pairs the least. In one study, 40% of children had hit a sibling with an object.
Older siblings are more likely to engage in verbal (as opposed to physical) antagonism; in most surveys, the frequency of positive sibling interactions is greater still. Girl siblings are often closer during the teen years; boy siblings are often closer before or after their teens.
B. Etiology/contributing factors.
1. Loss of exclusive relationship. Children with the closest relationships to their mothers may show the greatest upset after the birth of a sibling. In contrast, a close relationship with the father may be protective.
2. Spacing of siblings. Siblings spaced about 2 years apart may experience the most intense rivalries, perhaps because the older child must deal with increased separation from the mother at a time when separation is particularly difficult. Twins, in contrast, seem less prone to rivalry, as do children born 3 or more years apart.
3. Temperament and developmental differences. Siblings with very different behavioral styles may irritate each other or simply not develop common interests. Behavioral disorders (e.g., attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) are associated with sibling conflict. Children with developmental disabilities evoke disparate responses in siblings, either pride and protectiveness or intense resentment.
4. Role uncertainty. Older children are often required to take leadership or managerial roles vis-à-vis their younger siblings. At other times, children are expected to play together as equals, with no identified boss. Moving back and forth between these quite different relationships generates friction.
5. Family organization and parenting. High levels of family chaos as well as harsh or emotionally cold parental discipline foster sibling conflict.
6. Favoritism and fairness. Parental favoritism, real or perceived, exacerbates sibling conflicts and fosters anxiety, depression, and acting out in the nonfavored child. In contrast, a belief in parental fairness reduces jealousy.
II. Making the diagnosis.
A. Signs and symptoms. Sibling fighting may be the chief complaint, or it may emerge during the assessment of other problems, such as aggression, school failure, or acting out. Naughty behavior and mild regression after the birth of a new baby are expected; withdrawn, listless behavior signals more serious psychological strain. Jealousy may also
underlie perfectionism, obsessive worries (“What if the baby gets hurt?”), or overly grownup (parentified) behavior. It is safe to assume that ambivalent feelings exist whether or not they are apparent.
B. History: Key clinical questions.
1. [to the child] “Tell me about your brother(s) and sister(s).” Most children find this question nonthreatening. Invite the child to draw a picture of everyone in the family (“functional family drawing”). “What do they like to do together? When do they get mad at each other?”
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