. Family Discord and Divorce

Family Discord and Divorce

Michael Jellinek

Chronic parental discord and divorce can have profound, long-lasting effects on children. A child’s expectation of being loved, cared for, and a central priority of both parents is often shattered by seeing parents preoccupied by their personal anger, possibly violent to each other, frequently sad or depressed, and unavailable (emotionally and/or physically). If the tension leads to divorce, and especially if the discord continues after divorce, children may feel insecure, suffer diminished self-esteem, and not trust that love and attachment to others is reliable. The severity of long-term consequences may be considerably ameliorated if parents can focus on their love of the child in the midst of their own discord and loss.

The effects of divorce can be divided into three broad areas.^1,2 One area is the child’s psychological development. Divorce makes a strong statement that relationships may be unreliable and that even the expectation of a stable family unit can be lost. The second impact relates to parental functioning. Fathers and mothers in the midst of discord and divorce often suffer depression and anger, are preoccupied for months or years with the divorce process, and are no longer spontaneously available in the same home. The third area is financial. The same family resources are now spread over 2 households, and additional, often major, expenses accrue in lawyer fees and other unanticipated costs. Most families cannot sustain such a rapid major increase in monthly expense, and over time, mothers often suffer the more serious financial harm.

Pediatricians should consider divorce as a major risk factor to a child’s development. Although more than 1 million divorces each year involve 1 million children, many pediatricians are not routinely aware of family discord, divorces, or remarriages among families within their practice. Without such awareness, pediatricians cannot provide anticipatory guidance for children in uncomplicated divorces or more comprehensive services, including mental health referral, in virulent divorces.^3,4

EXPECTED PSYCHOLOGICAL REACTIONS

Parents may ask whether it is better to stay married “for the sake of the children” than to “put them through a divorce.” The tensions in discordant marriages may result in verbal or physical confrontations, compound other psychological problems such as depression or substance use, and create a bitter emotional tone in the home. Children who live with chronic family discord, tension, and unhappiness become vigilant as to how their parents are feeling and assume responsibility for causing or trying to relieve tension and unhappiness. Many children wonder if they are causing the problems and what they are supposed to do to help. Over time, these children often harbor intense anger at their parents and grow up suspicious of, yet longing for, intimacy. Thus, as young adults, they may feel unable to tolerate intimacy, or they may begin their own marriages dominated by the ghosts of their parents’ discord. If the divorce ends chronic discord, abuse, neglect, and domestic violence (sadly, this is not always the outcome), then the child or adolescent may actually be relieved and benefit from the divorce.⁵

For parents, divorce represents a loss of both initial marital hopes and the family unit. Dashed hopes, selfish behavior, scorn, substance use, or infidelity may fuel one spouse’s intense anger and disappointment about the other. As a consequence of this rage, some parents become so focused on hurting their spouse that they fail to see the needs of the children. Such parents may become preoccupied and clinically depressed and may turn to substances or use poor judgment. The anger between parents can spill into the pediatrician’s office through requests by one parent to protect the child from the other, which may or may not be appropriate (ie, true risk of danger from parental abuse, neglect, or substance use versus using the pediatrician as a tool to express anger or in a shortsighted, legal strategy). During the divorce, and often for a year or more thereafter, a substantial percentage of mothers suffer clinical depression, while some fathers are dominated by ongoing anger or distance themselves from the parenting role by limiting visits with their children.

For the child, divorce is a loss that is reexperienced at varying intensity throughout childhood. Some children recall feelings of loss when they see well-functioning two-parent families and during events such as birthdays, holidays, graduation, or college visits. While many children experience difficulty adjusting, commonly evidenced by lowered school performance in the first year of divorce, approximately 10% or more, largely those exposed to ongoing discord, experience sustained emotional difficulties and dysfunction through adolescence and young adulthood and commonly require mental health services.⁶

The causes of the divorce and the child’s perspective of each parent are reframed and possibly grieved again at major development transitions, such as when the young adolescent begins to date, considers moving away from home for college or work, falls “in love” as a young adult, marries, and becomes a parent. As such, the impact of the divorce on children depends in part on their developmental level.

Infants and toddlers are heavily influenced by the emotional state of the caregivers; thus, these children suffer most overtly when their custodial parent (most commonly their mother) is preoccupied, overwhelmed, or clinically depressed. Children under 3 years old require special consideration in terms of visitation, because they have less tolerance for long absences, especially if one parent is the predominant caregiver.

Children 4 and 5 years old have access to more sophisticated language, but they also have important cognitive limitations on their ability to understand concepts, longer time frames, and thus the implications of a divorce. These children have a rich fantasy life, and their developmental stage supports their taking responsibility for most of what happens, including parental discord. Children in this age group may feel guilty about having caused the divorce and parental tension, and any overheard arguments may reinforce their presumption.

School-aged children can begin to understand more realistically and in concrete terms the issues causing and related to the divorce. These children often feel caught in loyalty conflicts, wishing their parents would reunite and wondering about whether the parents would have divorced if they (ie, the children) had been “better.” School-aged children often are moody and preoccupied by the divorce, and boys are commonly more aggressive, especially toward their mother. The sources of this increased aggression may be the inherent propensity for boys to be more aggressive, a sense of security and permission derived from the mother being the custodial parent, or the son possibly eliciting some of the mother’s unresolved anger toward her husband.