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“I never really was into the dating thing when I was younger. At 37, I’d had few years of looking for the ‘right’ man to start a family with, and I’d come to realize I probably didn’t have the time I needed anymore to grow to trust a man enough, and that I didn’t know if I really needed one. I read Single Mothers by Choice by Jane Mattes which made me realize that there were other people out there just like me: Women who were willing to do this motherhood thing alone. Because of my background (I was raised by a single mother), I did not doubt my ability to bring up a child on my own. I felt I was in a good place. I had a good paying job and I was healthy. It was time.”
“It took a great deal to come to a place where I realized I simply had to choose between trying to find love or trying to have a baby. To give up on finding love was a horrible choice to be forced to make, so it took me a long time. I did not start to actively and seriously look into fertility options until I was 41. I had many concerns. But for years, I always said that if I never found the guy, I’d still have a child.”
This chapter provides the background needed for counseling single women and men who choose to become parents on their own, a group often referred to as single mothers or fathers by choice. The term single mothers or fathers by choice refers to any individual who elects to have child without a partner and without the intent to have a co-parent, distinguishing them from individuals who become single parents as a result of relationship dissolution, divorce, death of a spouse, or unintended pregnancy. For women, parenthood in this context is most commonly achieved via the use of sperm donation or adoption, whereas for men, parenthood options include adoption or having a baby with the help of egg donation and a gestational carrier. This chapter provides an overview of single parenting by choice, discussion of the relevant psychological and social issues, and a framework for therapists to guide counseling sessions with prospective single parents by choice.
This chapter focuses on single women and men who actively seek to become single parents through fertility treatment, as these are the types of patients likely to be seen by fertility counselors. As the vignettes above illustrate, just as there is no typical mother, there is no typical single mother by choice. Selections from the actual words of single mothers by choice appear throughout the chapter to highlight the range of experiences single mothers by choice face as they navigate through the family building process. Because the idea that single men might choose to become parents is relatively new, the chapter is largely focused on women. Although many issues for men may be similar, we don’t yet know enough about them to draw firm conclusions. Specific information associated with single men is noted when available.
Historical background
The societal context in which single individuals seek fertility care to have their own child has undergone dramatic change. References to the idea of single women requesting donor insemination (DI) first appeared in legal commentaries in the 1940s. Under the assumption that procreation should be strictly the domain of the “traditional family unit” (i.e., heterosexual married couples), a US legislative ban on single women using DI was suggested, along with arguments that children born to single women using DI would be considered illegitimate [1]. In the 1970s, most providers refused to inseminate single women [2]. Some argued that such services should not be offered because the resulting child would be raised with limited financial resources, experience stigmatization for lack of a father, suffer poor psychological development due to lack of a male role model, and might not develop normal gender identity [3]. Some contended that single women requesting DI should be offered treatment, but only as long as they met various criteria such as evidence of adequate financial security and emotional adjustment [4–6]. Others argued that there was no sound legal or ethical reason to prohibit single women from using DI [7]. A significant shift began in the late 1980–90s toward more acceptance of patient autonomy with respect to fertility services. In 2006, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine’s (ASRM) Ethics Committee published a powerful statement declaring that “denial of access to fertility services on the basis of marital status or sexual orientation cannot be justified” [8, p. 1333]. Similarly, in 2008, the United Kingdom Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act (HFEA) was revised to remove the clause that required clinics to consider the child’s need for a father in decisions about whether to provide treatment [9]. These changes paved the way for more women to achieve single parenthood using DI. Internationally, there is a general shift toward many more countries allowing single women to use fertility services in recent years, although restrictions persist in many parts of Asia and the Middle East [10]. In many countries from the USA to the UK to China, there appears to be an increase in recent years in the number of women who choose to become single mothers [11–14].
It is difficult to assess precisely where “single mothers by choice” fit demographically within the broader category of “single mothers” because demographic research has generally not been able to distinguish the two groups. Although the negative consequences for children of being raised in single parent families (e.g., lower educational attainment, child behavioral problems) have consistently been highlighted, it has been argued that these findings do not fully apply to single mothers by choice because they have distinct characteristics as compared to single mothers via divorce, widowhood, or unintended pregnancy. Specifically, single mothers by choice tend to be older, successfully employed, have considered their decisions carefully, and intentionally planned to get pregnant [15–19].
The existing research on child adjustment further shows that family structural variables such as divorce, single parenthood, parent gender, parent sexual orientation and genetic relatedness between parents and children are less important factors than the quality of parenting, parent–child relationships, and the economic and social resources available to the family [20,21]. This suggests there is nothing inherently less optimal about being raised by a single parent by choice, provided the parenting quality and access to resources is adequate. Reflecting this equivalence, an emerging research literature on child and family adjustment indicates that families created by single mothers by choice are generally not different from other types of families; where differences appeared, they were in the direction of more positive functioning in single mother by choice families [22–25]. It should be noted, however, that the cultural context in which family structures operate may impact perceived acceptance and support, and affect parental functioning for single parents by choice. For example, in Israel, research has shown that single mothers by choice reported higher parental stress and lower general well-being than other family constellations, possibly because they felt less support. It may be that the cultural context in Israel, where traditional concepts of family structure dominate, could make it more likely that single mothers feel stigmatized or marginalized [26].
Although the discussion above concerned single women choosing parenthood, it is reasonable to hypothesize that similar conclusions could be drawn regarding the functioning and outcomes of single men choosing parenthood. Some evidence that single fatherhood by choice is on the rise can be inferred from media references. For example, popular media stories about the concept of single men by choice have appeared recently, describing unpartnered men deciding to become parents on their own. These stories further indicate that surrogacy and adoption agencies, as well as men’s support groups, are reporting many more single gay and heterosexual men seeking to be parents than ever before [27,28].
Major considerations for prospective single parents by choice
Choosing single parenthood
Few people grow up thinking they will become single parents at all, much less single parents by choice. Rather, many people want to become parents at some point in their lives and expect to do so in the context of a loving relationship. Some women report feeling surprised and dismayed to find themselves in their late 30s or early 40s without a partner or children. Many have been in relationships or marriages that ended, and they had remained childless because either the relationship or timing was not right. Some women have had relatively few or even no serious relationships. Some have been actively pursuing the goal of finding a life partner, while others have not. Some have been very involved in career development, therefore postponing marriage and childbearing. Some have delayed parenthood due to medical problems, mental illness, or family of origin commitments.
Given the variety of reasons why individuals may consider single parenthood by choice, it is not surprising that their attitudes about this decision also vary greatly. Some approach the idea of single parenthood with many fears and trepidations, while others feel optimistic and eager to proceed.
“I am an extremely self-sufficient, independent, strong-minded person and I was absolutely confident that this was what I wanted, and more importantly, this is how it was supposed to be. I felt in my bones it was the right choice for me! I still worry about whether my son will suffer one day because I decided to have him without a father in the picture; but – at the same time – I just can’t say I’m sorry. If I had done it another way, I would not have the son I do now and he is entirely too precious for me to be anything other than thrilled to have him.”
“First off, I never wanted to do this by myself. I am heartbroken that I will never truly have the family I always wanted. I will never have a husband who is the father of my children. I am already heartbroken for my future child that they will never have a father.”
The reasons for single people to want parenthood are usually no different than for married people (e.g., “I have always wanted to be a mother”) and do not require further justification. Most women report that the reason to start trying to become a parent when they did was that they were getting older, they felt the time was right and they felt financially ready [29]. Some women have not always wanted to become mothers, but find themselves seriously considering it later in life.
Often, the decision to become a single mother is difficult because it means relinquishing the traditional image of becoming a family, including falling in love, getting married and expecting a baby (in that order). For some, attachment to this traditional conceptualization of family is very strong. These women struggle with such issues as grief over the loss of the idea of a two-parent family and self-perception of failure at traditional family building. For example, the woman below remarked on her initial consideration of becoming a single mother.
“The closer I got to my 39th birthday, the more I lost hope that I would find a relationship lasting and meaningful enough for me to want to start a family. When all of my tests were completed I was stunned when the doctor told me I could start immediately. Up to that point, I was just researching. I think I was still mourning the loss of the dream of a traditional family with mother, father, and children.”
Many women fear that they might lose the chance to have a genetically related child due to their “biological clock” running out. Many think about becoming a single mother for a long time, having told themselves when they were younger something like, “If I don’t find the right person by the time I am 35 or 40, I will use a donor.”
For some women, finding a romantic partner is not important, but many single mothers by choice do hope to find a future partner. Some are afraid that if they have a baby as a single woman, it will further reduce their chances of finding a partner. Pursuing single motherhood most likely will postpone finding a new partner. During pregnancy, dating is unlikely due to the emotional and practical complications. After becoming a parent, women experience the time demands of new parenthood and may be concerned about bringing a new partner into their child’s life. Most women feel that male role models are at least somewhat important for children, and many are at least a little concerned about their child growing up without a father. The positive side, however, may be that women no longer feel the same intense time pressure to find a partner in order to become a parent and may be willing to consider a wider range of potential partners (e.g., those who already have children of their own).
Raising children well takes emotional, social and economic resources. Consideration of these factors is part of the decision about whether to become a single parent. Women consider job stability, maternity leave, childcare and financial planning. They consider their living arrangements, community and distance from family and friends. They consider their work – life balance and how they would fit the time needed for children. They review their social network for sources of emotional and instrumental support, evaluating how family and friends will react to the idea of single parenthood. They consider who would be able to help them if they had financial problems, got sick, and even who could raise their child if they were to die prematurely. They consider the possibility of having a child with special needs or medical problems. Although all these concerns apply to couples considering parenthood, they are amplified in the case of being the sole parent.
“While there are certain benefits to raising a child in the way that I see fit, without having to run decisions by someone else, being the only decision maker will also be a huge responsibility. I worry that I will not have the energy needed to raise a child on my own. I am concerned about the finances, how I will juggle working with childcare, how I will get my kid into a good school…”
Men probably face similar considerations, though it is likely that their decisions are less biologically driven. That is, because men can become genetic fathers later in life than women, the situation may not take on the urgency that many women feel (though this may be changing due to recent research suggesting paternal age is related to risk of disorders, such as autism in the offspring [30]). Conversely, men likely face greater concerns about how their social network would react if they chose single parenthood, and they may worry they won’t receive as much in the way of assistance or support.
Complications associated with current or recent relationships
In practice, we find that current or recent intimate relationships can complicate the process of considering single parenthood. Some women are in a relationship that does not appear to be leading toward having children in the near future (e.g., the relationship is too new or the partner is uncertain about having children). In such cases, it would be difficult to remain in the relationship while also pursuing single parenthood. Emotionally, trying to get pregnant and being pregnant are times when women want support from intimate partners. If the partner isn’t intending to become a co-parent, she may feel very alone, and the partner may feel neglected or rejected. Practically, for heterosexual couples, it is difficult because the woman may need to avoid sexual intercourse to avoid possible pregnancy, particularly if her treatment protocol involves ovarian stimulation. Thus women often find themselves considering whether to continue the relationship with the hope that it will eventually lead to having children (knowing that this might risk waiting too long given their reproductive potential), or to sacrifice the relationship to pursue single motherhood.
“I never had a burning desire to become a mom, but at age 37, I discovered that I was finally really content in life, and had so much good to share with a child. I was in a go-nowhere relationship, neither good nor bad, but I knew I didn’t want to have any legal, lasting ties with him. I did some research, and discovered the two major single moms by choice groups. Seeing that there were processes and methods to choose motherhood made it easier to move ahead. I started my testing and researching donors and gained more confidence. My relationship finally ended when I realized I was ready to do this on my own.”
Some women are struggling with recent relationship dissolution. An upsetting break-up can sometimes lead women to jump to single parenthood too quickly, out of fear they have wasted too much time on a disappointing relationship. Sometimes a relationship broke up because the man wasn’t ready for commitment or for children, and the woman is hoping that starting the DI process will convince him of the intensity of her desire for children and he will change his mind and decide to proceed in trying to build a family with her.
Deciding the route to parenthood
The options for women are usually having a baby with donor sperm or adoption. Using donor sperm appears to be the more common method and is usually the one considered first. This option allows the woman to be genetically connected to the child and to experience pregnancy, which is often highly valued. Sperm donors are most commonly from a sperm bank but can also be a known donor, usually a close friend or more rarely an acquaintance. Possible benefits of a sperm bank donor as compared to a known donor include easy availability, previously completed medical testing and evaluation and a wide range of donor choices. Further, use of a sperm bank donor is often less expensive and does not have the complications associated with negotiating the emotional, financial and legal involvement of the sperm provider. Possible benefits of a known donor as compared to a sperm bank donor include knowing the donor’s background and qualities in a more significant way than from a donor profile, as well as having the potential for the child to know or even have a positive, ongoing relationship with the sperm donor. In some cases, single women may intend for a known donor to have a role in raising the child (often thought of as an “uncle-type” relationship) even though she will be the only legal and custodial parent.
Working with a known donor is typically more complex emotionally, because both parties (and the donor’s partner, if he has one) must consider their intentions regarding the relationship between the donor and the offspring, disclosure to the child and others and any legal and financial issues. Working with a known donor is more complex practically as well, because arrangements must be made for medical screening, psychological screening, semen analysis, infectious disease testing and providing samples for cryopreservation. If the donor doesn’t live nearby, there may also be travel time and costs. Cryopreservation of sperm is generally the most practical plan because of the complexities of infectious disease testing, and because it allows the woman to proceed with multiple treatment cycles without repeat involvement of the sperm donor. Known donors can donate as a “directed donor” at a sperm bank, thus using the sperm bank’s services but offering the sperm only to the intended recipient, or they can donate directly at the fertility clinic the woman is using. Although many women consider known donor arrangements, most do not proceed with them because they don’t have a candidate they feel comfortable with or feel the unknown aspects of the future relationship are too complicated.
“The idea of a known donor appealed to me for maybe two seconds and then I thought of all the possible legal and social ramifications. What if he wants to be involved? What if he sues for custody or visitation? Will my child be confused as to the role this person plays in his or her life? Will others be confused? I felt going with a sperm bank was the safer option.”
Choosing a sperm bank donor is relatively simple logistically, yet can present psychological challenges. Some women approach donor selection with relative ease, narrowing down the most important characteristics of their choosing without difficulty (e.g., physical characteristics, education, ethnic background). Some women experience significant discomfort taking this step because it means fully accepting not having a partner, not really knowing the person, and the fear that they will make a poor choice. Some women also have difficulty making the transition from internet dating to internet donor selection, having had many disappointing experiences with the former. Some women believe choosing someone to be the genetic father of one’s child online feels too impersonal.
As they have become more available, many women are choosing donors who agree to potential contact with the child when the child is 18 [31]. Donors with this status are termed “willing to be known,” “identity release,” or “open” donors.
“I wanted an open ID donor so my child would have the option of contacting them at some point in adulthood if that was their choice.”
An identity release donor seems to be a benefit for the child and the parent–child relationship as parents will likely feel better knowing that if their child wants more information about the donor in the future, they have done what they can to provide that option. Some prospective mothers are concerned that the donor might later interfere with family life, or that the child will discover negative information about the donor that could be upsetting. However, research shows that parents who chose an open identity donor felt positive about the idea of their child being able to have contact if they desired it, and none regretted the decision to choose an open-identity donor [32]. It is important to note that choosing a willing to be known or identity release donor is not a guarantee that a child will be able to have contact with their donor in the future, as illustrated in the thoughts expressed below.
“While I used an open donor, the fact is, it’s a crapshoot. I have heard that there is no guarantee that the sperm bank will really contact him on my child’s behalf. There needs to be more transparency surrounding open donors and what that means.”
Adoption tends to be considered after failed fertility treatment, or if the woman is already past a viable age for pregnancy. Some single women prefer adoption because the idea of becoming a parent to a child in need appeals strongly to them and they do not have a strong desire for pregnancy. The adoption process, however, is complex (see Chapter 14). Many countries do not allow single women to adopt; those that do often involve long waits and rarely offer the adoption of infants. US domestic adoption is possible for single women, but this may also involve long waits. Further, there is a presumption that many birth mothers prefer to place their child in a two-parent family.
Some women do not use any of the above options and instead decide to try to become pregnant via fresh home inseminations or intercourse with a man whom they plan on not involving in raising the child, either by prior agreement or by not telling him. Women who pursue this path do not usually see fertility counselors unless they are experiencing fertility problems. The major appeal of this path is that it requires no medical treatment, no financial costs and may be readily available. A major issue is that it leaves the woman at higher risk for sexually transmitted diseases. Further, in most jurisdictions, the man would be considered the legal father of the child, meaning he would have rights and responsibilities to the child and could assert them unexpectedly. In addition, having a known sperm provider who did not consent is likely not a benefit to the child compared to a sperm bank donor; conflict between parents could have a negative impact on the child and the father is unlikely to play a positive role in the child’s life.
The options for single men are adoption or having a baby with an egg donor and a gestational carrier. Adoption options for single men are perhaps even more limited than for single mothers, due in part to continued strong societal beliefs in the importance of having a mother [33]. Moreover, media reports suggest that the intentions of single men are still considered suspect [27,28]. The benefits of egg donation and surrogacy are that this allows the man to be genetically connected to the child, to have more control over the process, and to be involved in the pregnancy. The major barrier is that it is costly ($75 000–$100 000), which is likely prohibitive for most men.
In terms of the process for the latter option, egg donors may be recruited through an agency or may be someone known to the man (friend or acquaintance). The decision about known versus anonymous egg donors is similar to the decision about sperm bank donor versus a known donor for women. Gestational carriers can also be recruited by an agency or via websites, or they could be a friend, sister, or acquaintance. Because the surrogacy process requires the involvement of two women at the time of treatment, men experience significantly less control over the pregnancy process, thus making the barriers greater for single men to proceed (for more on surrogacy, see Chapter 9).
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